Why can’t i just get myself back into fucking gear?!
Hello there. Didn’t see you come in. Take off your coat, grab a drink, and relax. This will be a long one.
First off, altho as always i will speak very pessimistically about my life, let me just mention that there has definitely been a hell of a lot of great things to enter my life. And i will include them in this post.
My road to redemption never truly ends, as i will never be happy with myself. Mainly because i’m too afraid to let off of myself, due to the fact, that i do not want to gegt comfortable with my life just for it to all go down hill. If my life goes down hill, i want to realize the blow is going to hit me and i want to mentally destroy myself, because that’s how i always have, and will be. Lately, and honestly for the longest time, i can’t seem to get myself back into the focus i want to be in, i took a period off from the gym, and i feel it messed me up bad. Don’t get me wrong, i’m back in the gym; with a new routine, hitting the weights every other day. And while especially the last month has been great as far as a workout goes, i just feel i’m not quite “there” anymore. And i hate it. I don’t feel i have the passion to fix what i’ve wanted to fix 100% for years, rather then just maintain, i don’t want to maintain. But at the same time, i do. If that makes any sense. And then there’s the moments, where, my brain will want my body to go 100 miles per hour, but my body doesn’t go. Why? I don’t understand. It’s just breaking me down that every day i look on the scale, and i look at my body and don’t the see the satisfactory results that i want to see, and by now, should see. My weight has tore me down limb by limb for what is the majority of my short life. And in a sense it always will. I just want my relaxtion period. I feel i deserve it. But i guess i don’t.
There’s a lot of things in my mind that are quite foggy, i can’t quite explain. And that’s not normal for me, considering i always am running my feeble little mouth. But with things like this happening, my job (that i got in August.) and other things, i can’t seem to shake how..Dumb i feel. I’m like in this black hole of stupidity and minor depression, because i can’t figure out answers to the questions i want and need.
But i can’t complain about everything, Like i said life has gotten better, extremely better. Like i said i got a job in August, A little job working at a dollar store making $7.25 an hour, but it’s a job and i work as hard as i can all the time no matter how i feel, or how tired. There is weeks where i work 6 days a week and right now i’m fine with that, one of my real next goals is to get me a place. And move out. I currently at this moment have $500 dollars saved and going to continue to save, my plans are to buy a trailer. A used trailer, but a trailer. I’d rather have something i can call mine, then something i’d have to worry about paying off every single month, you know? But i’m thankful for my job even tho at times, because of my manager i want to rip my teeth and hair out.
I also got a car that OH MY GOD NEEDS TO FIXED MY BROTHER IS GONNA MAKE ME LIKE KILL HIM OMG GTFOSTFUDDFJSDJSD.
And then, a very special part of my life, a person specifically, and because i know no one will read this, lol, maybe except the person i’m talking about, i’ll be as corny as possible. I am of course referring to my girlfriend.
Her name is Page. And truthfully, she is probably the greatest thing i have in my life. She IS the greatest thing i’ve had in my life. She entered my life about a year ago, but we’ve been dating for almost 6 months (Since 09/09/11.) And i know thats basically little time, but i don’t care. She makes me absolutely happy, she’s given me something that i’ve wanted my entire life, something i’ve longed for. Her smile alone just makes my day. Because i know she’s happy, and happy with me. And when she’s happy, i am. She’s given me a bit of sanity, sanity to a insane person. She’s been there everytime i’ve needed her, thus far. Everything about her makes me not be the “sarcastic temperamental asshole” that i am, and be, as she calls me, a “teddy bear”. (So weird.) When i see her i gotta hug her, i gotta kiss her, i gotta tell her i love her, i probably tell her i love her so much that she is tired of it, but it’s my way of always letting her know how appreciating i am of having her in my life. And alot of the time, i’m scared that she’ll do what others have, and lose faith in me. I can’t let this one slide, god, she’s too good for me. She keeps me at so much ease, even when she don’t realize it. And i just melt when she speaks, or when she looks at me with those beautiful eyes. And yes, she’s a catch, so she does have eyes on her, and it makes me jealous. Mainly because she could do so much better then me. She doesn’t understand me 100% yet, but she don’t realize, the fact that she wants to understand me, means more to me then she will ever know. She is my everything, at this point of my life. And i work as hard as i do for many reasons, and to make her proud is one.
So my life sums up this way: I’m a douche bag, who is upset cause he can’t be a toothpick, is pussy whipped, lol, and is often confused, and sad.
Welcome to the life.
People come and go, people evolve, people change. We live and let learn, or we die in the fires that is the world. You survive or let all your hard work go to waste as your difficulties consume you, it’s your road, your choice, what do you do? You see we let the nature and attitudes and overall existence of other people help define who we are whether we want to admit it or not. Our love, our hatred, towards an individual helps us pave our road. And as we evolve…and as time progresses, some will not withstand the sandstorm that is the life of “___” insert person here. People will be gone, time will have passed, memories will be just that, memories. Nothing lasts forever kiddies and oldies, Since when has god granted eternal life? And let’s face it…Is eternal life really a gift? Or a curse? Life revolves around pain, it revolves around happiness too, but we pick our own paths, so we can’t blame our pain on another, sure, people associate to pain so that gives us an explanation as to why we blame others, but we all have a part in it, but right now, I’m feeling really thankful to every person who’s crossed paths in my life, good and bad. And hell, maybe I’m saying this all to feel “wise” or “intelligent” I’m neither, i don’t care. I do think this stuff over alone. But back to the subject of discussion here! There’s people i like, dislike, love, and hate. It’s natural, i can’t help it. This is a rant, so I’m going to say the following; there’s some thank you’s i need to put out, so..
Thank you to the people who gave me all the love in the world;
Thank you to the people who gave me all their hate;
Thank you to the people who’d do anything to make me happy;
Thank you to the people who have had to deal with my immature deals and writings within my life;
Thank you to the people who made me disdain my own self for dumb reasons with a passion;
Thank you to the people who backed me up even when i didn’t deserve it;
Thank you to those people who put things in my head, and made my mind want to cease existing because it was immature and naive;
Thank you to the people who’ve made me stronger each and every day, physically, and mentally;
Thank you in general.
Thank you for being apart of the creation of Andrew Hanson, it’s still a work in progress tho, i know. Seize and conquer is what i need to do now, drive and passion are what make me me. Logic and responsibility is what i need to keep in my life, because i don’t always use neither. A kind soul is what i need to keep my redemption going on and on, sometimes the words i write and say feel fake, because i don’t know if i’m gonna back it up in life, i doubt myself, but that’s gotta end, and one way or another..it shall. Ohh yes. I need to redeem myself in my eyes, maybe you won’t see why, but i do, that’s all that matters. I promise i will not spite the people who have done great for me by doing less then 110%. I can hear my mom saying she’s proud of me right now, so ahead of time, thank you mom. I’ve been wanting to basically write this stuff about evolution and about how people change for weeks now, but i could never word it right, then i saw a note my friend (Shout outs, Brizzle.) wrote about what i assume is friends and stuff, and the words came out. I’m going to wrap this up now..This right here is not only my inner thoughts..but it’s also therapy, it’s almost me telling myself…what i need to hear.
Lately I’ve been feeling these type of feelings and thoughts that doesn’t necessarily comprehend with me. Normally i’m used to a lot of thoughts and expressions and can try to fix them, this one…i dunno, i just can’t. And it was worse tonight, then normal. It’s basically been building up. Within the few months, off and on i’d ask myself..Do i really want this? Or the thought of this? It left my mind for a bit because, i gave up. I realized it wasn’t happening, not clicking, move on..forget, while you can. But it’s back in my lap. And it’s got my mind going a mile a minute, i don’t know…I want this badly. I’m a fool. It’s a big obstacle, mentally. And i don’t even think i can overcome it to get where i wanna be. Man. I have doubts in this because i don’t want to jump into something blindly. Like taking a knife to a gun fight.
Overall, i’m confused, doubtful, and not feeling well.
Having a lot of doubts on myself tonight, physically i don’t feel i’m pushing myself quite like i can, i don’t know..Maybe some would say i push myself too much, i can’t agree. At all. And when this type of stuff happens i begin doubting myself, and this is just added to a bunch of stuff on my mind, i’ll go on about this in a moment, but i gotta get something off my chest. You ever realize how fake some people can be? Friendships seem to be weird with me. I seem to have too many fake friends, too many fake people in GENERAL in my life. People who look at me in the face, and say “i believe in you” or “You’re doing great!” and then behind my back exclaim how stupid, or pathetic, or what not i am. I find it hilarious. But that’s what fuels me, that’s my passion, those people, those people, even people in my family, who truly think like that towards me, there’s so many who deep down despise me, and few that truly love me. But it’s the way the ball bounces, i accept it. I just find it funny, i aint perfect, when it comes to friends, indeed i do have flaws, i need to fix them. But i aint quite like these motherfuckers. But it’s okay. Keep burning me, set me on fucking fire. Wanna know why i say “Die in a fire” because you can’t fucking handle the heat, i can. I seem to pull shit out of me that even surprises myself. I seem to overcome things i never imagined. Like this weight loss. Which is a seg way to continue in my conversation. So i been going to the gym for two months now, i look a lot better. I’m so proud that i’ve lost all my weight..but i feel so stalled right now. I feel i’m so close, yet so far, i don’t feel i’m doing anything right. Bad nights at the gym bug me, because i feel i should be doing great, every night. No one’s perfect i’m aware, but i got more drive then what i’ve been showing. I got more abilities then what i’ve shown, i drench myself in sweat, lift till i can’t, but it is. not. enough. Not to me. And it may never be. But i’m determined. I am so damn determined to pull this off. I fall, i’m going to get back up, i’m going to pull this off. I need to push myself to do things physically and mentally that i would not have had the ability to do 2 years ago, or even 1 year ago. or even six fucking month’s ago. It’s time Andrew. It’s do or die. NOW or Never.
I exclaim now while my confidence is up, that i will take over this fucking world. I will go to the heights i want to go to. And there is those nights of doubts, like this one. There is those nights where i feel i’m at my limit…But i hate to break it to the naysayers, including my own mind but…I’m limitless. That’s not arrogence, that’s determination. I’m going to do what people think i can’t, even myself. I’m going to dominate. Taking over this world is a metaphore, but it feels so real, i feel like i’m climbing Mount Everest, but god damn, i’m going to do it, i’m gonna make it to the top, i’m going to soar. I’m tired of the doubts, and they will likley remain, but dammit, this is my time. It starts small. But eventually, i’ll be soaring heights of which no one ever thought i could. I will do what was unlikley in the eyes of people, including myself. I do it, or die trying. And at this point, i don’t care about those..fake friends, or fake people in my life, i don’t care who, does what they do, who back stabbed me, or thing’s like that, do you. If it takes every drop of blood, every ounce of sweat, ever little tear…it’ll be worth it, to be..where i want to be.
I’ve never felt more determined. Even as i’m doubtful.
Tonight i feel i hit a slight bump in what i’ve dubbed my “Road to redemption” i’ve begin asking myself why I’m even doing this…why i try..what’s the point? I feel like everything i do from physically to mentally is on a road going no wheres, that nothing can change from these things. welts on my knee’s, arms, hands, from working so hard to seemingly achieve so little, if i achieve anything at all. Mentally, trying to go out of my way for a lot…just to fall flat on my face repeatedly? I’m angry, not at anyone, but myself. Beating myself up consistently, to where i feel i haven’t achieved anything because I’m a failure. My body refuses to give up, so it continues, yet, it just seems like my mind has given up. Mentally i see so much around me and so many situations that..i even envy. People’s happiness, for free, while i feel my happiness comes at a price. And at every instant it seems my happiness is to expensive. I can sit here and go “Why me?” all day, but i want to solve it. But i just don’t know how. I’m tired of feeling my long road is getting longer rather then shorter. I don’t know where half my determination comes from sometimes, but i don’t feel determined enough. Trying to reach for that brass ring is hard indeed, and i’ve known all along..but i just am having doubts in my ability to achieve it. Will i actually get there? Why hasn’t it worked out so far? I wanna be the best i can be but it seems like my best just isn’t enough..and i hate that. I don’t wanna give up on this fight..but this is some tough questions. I feel like i’ve been given a harder road then i deserve..i don’t feel like i have any backing. No support. But it’s apparently meant to be..soon (for a short time) my determination will be back…this back and forth shit between hunger and being full pisses me off. Right now i need to be STARVING.
“Come and take your best shot!”
“I tried to be a nice guy, i tried to play by the rules.”
“You turned your backs on me!”
“I Was a victim.”
“Well enough is enough!”
I’m trying to think exactly how i’m gonna word out what i’m about to say…how can i explain my inner thinking, to word it right..
Let’s just see things this way, i’m an angry individual, i walk around like i’m mad, i never smile, not because i’m depressed..not cause blah blah blah…i’m an angry fuckin’ person. You can’t expect me to change that immediately. Do i need to change? Yes. I need to be a little less of an angry individual. But the way people try to get their idea of change and throw it in my face…aint gon’ help it. It aint hard for me to be..i don’t know..nice? Quite frankly i can just as laid back as i am angry. My brain doesn’t function the right way. I get pissed off easily, and can stay pissed for a long time. I work myself up over the little fucking things, and i turn things big. I’m an asshole. I don’t say this to hear “OMAHGAWSH NO YUR NAWT”..I say it because it’s true, i can be remorseless, i’m not Hitler, i have morals, and values, but i can be vindictive..and well..an Asshole. Okay okay, the point i’m making here is..i’m not perfect. With the bad, i admit, comes the good, i’d like to say to some people i’m one of the most caring motherfuckers there can get, it’s hard for me to realize that sometimes, but, theres maybe TOO many people i’d take a bullet for, give my arm to, etc etc. Point being, i’d do anything for…Do people honestly feel i act fuckin’ silly and stupid alone? No, i do it to make people laugh. Make ‘em happy. I do the stupidest things too. I’ve helped friends with their deadbeat drunken dads, to just staying up at night to hear their problems. Don’t gotta. Just wanna. People have done this kind of stuff for me too (i don’t have a deadbeat dad, by the way.) but at the end of the day…they still can’t really..SEE some of that stuff, after they first see that…Asshole side of me. I’m 50/50, good and bad. Sinner not yet saint. If i take my anger out on you, i’m not perfect, i’m sorry. But quit god damn acting like i’m the only one who does this. I don’t push, i pull. Trust me if i pushed you’d never know who i was to begin with, i pick the people i want to “know me” because i see the greater good in them. No matter what people have fuckin’ put me through..i still will see them for their good..even if the bullshit is so irreversible that i can’t. There are people who mentally put me through maybe TOO much..but i don’t punish em for it..and i moved on from it..One thing that aggravates me, is that certain people love to let me know how…good, and saint-like i am! But then can condemn me and make me feel like i’m almost the worst thing in their lives. It’s hypocritical. Don’t say i’m not an asshole then basically later on say i’m an asshole. I KNOW what I AM.
My point would be, i’m an angry guy, i’m an asshole, i need to change. But i’m not always an asshole. So maybe people just need to know whats going on…when i get this way…But quit putting me thru the pain and bullshit to makin’ me feel worse then what i am.
At the end of the day, the asshole in me makes me Andrew…as does that motherfucker who is maybe too nice. I talked to much about my bad side on this post..but i know..i’d do anything for a lot of people…So why do i feel this way…
Been working hard as of late, not hard enough. A work in process, a work no one’s truly aware of, something that comes full head within every little thing i infact do. Something I’ve wanted for a long time. Something I’ve yearned for, but it seems no matter how hard i work..it still seems so distant. Yet i still work, feeling it’ll pay off..physically, mentally, one day…one day..i hope. I even often feel as if i’m self destructing..just for this one thing. It aint my #1..but it can be..
Living the life of an average 18 year old..
I don’t know exactly what i wanna say on this, yet, but, i just know, i’m not a man..still a boy by all means..I sleep until 3pm, stay in my room until the wee-hours of the night, i stay up until 6am because i’m such an insomniac and the most “in-shape” part of my body is my over-worked mind. I’ve got the state of mind to wanna do a lot but the actual determination to do it lacks. All these dreams, aspirations, fall to shit because, i can talk the talk, but cannot walk the walk, at least not yet. I’m not accomplished by any means, I just sit, and sit, and sit, while i deal with ass kissers, users, or people who condemn me for every little thing i do because they want an excuse to do it. I feel like the dedication i’ve given to a lot of people is now beginning to shit on me, but whatever, fuck everybody. I can’t seem to get up to do anything, and thats my own fault, i can say whatever excuse and try to justify it however i wanna, but at the end of the day, it’s bullshit. I feel idled. All i do is go to the gym to try and cut the remaining weight i got off, i’m 216lbs, i was pratically 300-fucking pounds this time last year. Thats my biggest accomplishment in my entire fucking life. I’ve lost 65lbs. I’m very proud of that, but still, i want more. Like i said, all i do is go to the gym but even now i’m beginning to become stressed and lazy towards it, because i feel it’s not working like it should. Thats because i’m such a fucking perfectionist, that i feel like little improvement, is NO improvement. But i need to work harder. I need to become better, faster, stronger. I say “Die in a fire” and become a general asshole right now because i’m unhappy with myself, i’m tired of acting like it’s not my fault. it’s my fault. my first act towards becoming a man, is admitting whats my fault, just because at times, certain shit aint 100% my fault, doesn’t mean it aint my fault. Doesn’t mean i’m not a part of the problem that is “Andrew Hanson” Everything about me can be changed, insomniac can be fixed, laziness (basically) can be fixed, i need to quit just sitting here, they say “you got your whole life ahead of you.” How do you know? I could die tomorrow. If i died tomorrow, i’d leave as a stupid person, A lazy person, An asshole, and not even having tried…what i mostly wanna do. I gotta fix myself..i’m just tryna find the right wrench to tighten this bolt…I’m not a man…but i need to be.
I have many dreams and aspirations, but right now…my #1 dream..is to get up, and get to work.
..And it doesn’t have to be a dream.
EDIT: I’d also like to say, i’m not perfect, so quit fucking expecting it.