Not a man, not yet.
Living the life of an average 18 year old..
I don’t know exactly what i wanna say on this, yet, but, i just know, i’m not a man..still a boy by all means..I sleep until 3pm, stay in my room until the wee-hours of the night, i stay up until 6am because i’m such an insomniac and the most “in-shape” part of my body is my over-worked mind. I’ve got the state of mind to wanna do a lot but the actual determination to do it lacks. All these dreams, aspirations, fall to shit because, i can talk the talk, but cannot walk the walk, at least not yet. I’m not accomplished by any means, I just sit, and sit, and sit, while i deal with ass kissers, users, or people who condemn me for every little thing i do because they want an excuse to do it. I feel like the dedication i’ve given to a lot of people is now beginning to shit on me, but whatever, fuck everybody. I can’t seem to get up to do anything, and thats my own fault, i can say whatever excuse and try to justify it however i wanna, but at the end of the day, it’s bullshit. I feel idled. All i do is go to the gym to try and cut the remaining weight i got off, i’m 216lbs, i was pratically 300-fucking pounds this time last year. Thats my biggest accomplishment in my entire fucking life. I’ve lost 65lbs. I’m very proud of that, but still, i want more. Like i said, all i do is go to the gym but even now i’m beginning to become stressed and lazy towards it, because i feel it’s not working like it should. Thats because i’m such a fucking perfectionist, that i feel like little improvement, is NO improvement. But i need to work harder. I need to become better, faster, stronger. I say “Die in a fire” and become a general asshole right now because i’m unhappy with myself, i’m tired of acting like it’s not my fault. it’s my fault. my first act towards becoming a man, is admitting whats my fault, just because at times, certain shit aint 100% my fault, doesn’t mean it aint my fault. Doesn’t mean i’m not a part of the problem that is “Andrew Hanson” Everything about me can be changed, insomniac can be fixed, laziness (basically) can be fixed, i need to quit just sitting here, they say “you got your whole life ahead of you.” How do you know? I could die tomorrow. If i died tomorrow, i’d leave as a stupid person, A lazy person, An asshole, and not even having tried…what i mostly wanna do. I gotta fix myself..i’m just tryna find the right wrench to tighten this bolt…I’m not a man…but i need to be.
I have many dreams and aspirations, but right now…my #1 dream..is to get up, and get to work.
..And it doesn’t have to be a dream.
-A
EDIT: I’d also like to say, i’m not perfect, so quit fucking expecting it.
