Hello there. Didn’t see you come in. Take off your coat, grab a drink, and relax. This will be a long one.
First off, altho as always i will speak very pessimistically about my life, let me just mention that there has definitely been a hell of a lot of great things to enter my life. And i will include them in this post.
My road to redemption never truly ends, as i will never be happy with myself. Mainly because i’m too afraid to let off of myself, due to the fact, that i do not want to gegt comfortable with my life just for it to all go down hill. If my life goes down hill, i want to realize the blow is going to hit me and i want to mentally destroy myself, because that’s how i always have, and will be. Lately, and honestly for the longest time, i can’t seem to get myself back into the focus i want to be in, i took a period off from the gym, and i feel it messed me up bad. Don’t get me wrong, i’m back in the gym; with a new routine, hitting the weights every other day. And while especially the last month has been great as far as a workout goes, i just feel i’m not quite “there” anymore. And i hate it. I don’t feel i have the passion to fix what i’ve wanted to fix 100% for years, rather then just maintain, i don’t want to maintain. But at the same time, i do. If that makes any sense. And then there’s the moments, where, my brain will want my body to go 100 miles per hour, but my body doesn’t go. Why? I don’t understand. It’s just breaking me down that every day i look on the scale, and i look at my body and don’t the see the satisfactory results that i want to see, and by now, should see. My weight has tore me down limb by limb for what is the majority of my short life. And in a sense it always will. I just want my relaxtion period. I feel i deserve it. But i guess i don’t.
There’s a lot of things in my mind that are quite foggy, i can’t quite explain. And that’s not normal for me, considering i always am running my feeble little mouth. But with things like this happening, my job (that i got in August.) and other things, i can’t seem to shake how..Dumb i feel. I’m like in this black hole of stupidity and minor depression, because i can’t figure out answers to the questions i want and need.
But i can’t complain about everything, Like i said life has gotten better, extremely better. Like i said i got a job in August, A little job working at a dollar store making $7.25 an hour, but it’s a job and i work as hard as i can all the time no matter how i feel, or how tired. There is weeks where i work 6 days a week and right now i’m fine with that, one of my real next goals is to get me a place. And move out. I currently at this moment have $500 dollars saved and going to continue to save, my plans are to buy a trailer. A used trailer, but a trailer. I’d rather have something i can call mine, then something i’d have to worry about paying off every single month, you know? But i’m thankful for my job even tho at times, because of my manager i want to rip my teeth and hair out.
I also got a car that OH MY GOD NEEDS TO FIXED MY BROTHER IS GONNA MAKE ME LIKE KILL HIM OMG GTFOSTFUDDFJSDJSD.
And then, a very special part of my life, a person specifically, and because i know no one will read this, lol, maybe except the person i’m talking about, i’ll be as corny as possible. I am of course referring to my girlfriend.
Her name is Page. And truthfully, she is probably the greatest thing i have in my life. She IS the greatest thing i’ve had in my life. She entered my life about a year ago, but we’ve been dating for almost 6 months (Since 09/09/11.) And i know thats basically little time, but i don’t care. She makes me absolutely happy, she’s given me something that i’ve wanted my entire life, something i’ve longed for. Her smile alone just makes my day. Because i know she’s happy, and happy with me. And when she’s happy, i am. She’s given me a bit of sanity, sanity to a insane person. She’s been there everytime i’ve needed her, thus far. Everything about her makes me not be the “sarcastic temperamental asshole” that i am, and be, as she calls me, a “teddy bear”. (So weird.) When i see her i gotta hug her, i gotta kiss her, i gotta tell her i love her, i probably tell her i love her so much that she is tired of it, but it’s my way of always letting her know how appreciating i am of having her in my life. And alot of the time, i’m scared that she’ll do what others have, and lose faith in me. I can’t let this one slide, god, she’s too good for me. She keeps me at so much ease, even when she don’t realize it. And i just melt when she speaks, or when she looks at me with those beautiful eyes. And yes, she’s a catch, so she does have eyes on her, and it makes me jealous. Mainly because she could do so much better then me. She doesn’t understand me 100% yet, but she don’t realize, the fact that she wants to understand me, means more to me then she will ever know. She is my everything, at this point of my life. And i work as hard as i do for many reasons, and to make her proud is one.
So my life sums up this way: I’m a douche bag, who is upset cause he can’t be a toothpick, is pussy whipped, lol, and is often confused, and sad.
Welcome to the life.