What’s the point?
Tonight i feel i hit a slight bump in what i’ve dubbed my “Road to redemption” i’ve begin asking myself why I’m even doing this…why i try..what’s the point? I feel like everything i do from physically to mentally is on a road going no wheres, that nothing can change from these things. welts on my knee’s, arms, hands, from working so hard to seemingly achieve so little, if i achieve anything at all. Mentally, trying to go out of my way for a lot…just to fall flat on my face repeatedly? I’m angry, not at anyone, but myself. Beating myself up consistently, to where i feel i haven’t achieved anything because I’m a failure. My body refuses to give up, so it continues, yet, it just seems like my mind has given up. Mentally i see so much around me and so many situations that..i even envy. People’s happiness, for free, while i feel my happiness comes at a price. And at every instant it seems my happiness is to expensive. I can sit here and go “Why me?” all day, but i want to solve it. But i just don’t know how. I’m tired of feeling my long road is getting longer rather then shorter. I don’t know where half my determination comes from sometimes, but i don’t feel determined enough. Trying to reach for that brass ring is hard indeed, and i’ve known all along..but i just am having doubts in my ability to achieve it. Will i actually get there? Why hasn’t it worked out so far? I wanna be the best i can be but it seems like my best just isn’t enough..and i hate that. I don’t wanna give up on this fight..but this is some tough questions. I feel like i’ve been given a harder road then i deserve..i don’t feel like i have any backing. No support. But it’s apparently meant to be..soon (for a short time) my determination will be back…this back and forth shit between hunger and being full pisses me off. Right now i need to be STARVING.
-A
